My Doll

As I recently mentioned, not long ago,
My family was so poor; we were eating straw,
My parents got married, just for the thrown rice,
I was so skinny, to see me, you had to look twice,
I had to pass wind to get a s-cent,
To move up in the world, we moved to a tent,
We had no money at all, to buy us kids a toy,
So that my brother and I, could play and enjoy,
One day I found a nice size limestone rock,
It became my little baby doll, I called him Spock,
Spock grew to be a nice doll, a hard kid he was,
Although his weight was static, around 39 Oz,
Spock was also very durable, a tough doll,
He stood a proud constant 10 inches tall,
For my 4th birthday, we all went to the lake,
What happened next, I swear, was by mistake,
My brother and I tried to teach Spock to swim,
Thus, Spock found his end to be very grim,
Apparently, a limestone doll is too heavy to float,
Either you remain on land, or you go on a boat,
Swimming in the deep lake, your chances are slim,
There is no question; it is not sink or swim,
You sink to the bottom, like poor Spock,
Which is now known as the kid from the loch,

Going To The Gym

I love going to the gym,
You can lift, run, jump, treadmill and swim,
I go everyday for at least two hours,
(This does not include an hour in the showers),
I sit in the gym, I watch the weight lifters,
They work around the clock ,on their figures,
Then I spend time with a glass of beer,
Watching the runners and I give them a cheer,
Later I go down to the bar, sit on a stool,
Watching the swimmers doing laps in the pool,
While I am eating a steak in sauce ,done on the grill,
I am keeping an eye on the gymnasts on the treadmill,
After my blood works, and cholesterol count,
My doctor said I had better start working out,
Now my doctor is happy this way,
I told him I go to the gym everyday,

Judge McDoormat

Judge McDoormat was severe,
Sitting in court, he caused many a tear,
He was harsh; he was hard,
You too would lose heart,
When giving judgment in his court,
He took his time, he wasn’t short,
When presenting his ruling in a case,
He took his time, his own pace,
Regardless of remorse or repentance’s,
You were to expect long sentences,


My son has a hi-tech business,
A lot of work, lots of stress,
In order to grow and expand,
An investor is in demand,
Or a government grant,
Or an unknown rich aunt,
He may end up with a bank,
Assuming the bank doesn’t tank,
Our bank, friend or pest?
Hope they don’t lose interest…..


 Timothy is in big trouble,
He won’t talk, his trouble doubled,
He will not confess to his mischievous behavior,
He won’t talk he won’t deliver,
Timothy has really done it this time,
His life is not worth a dime,
He took his father’s super glue,
And drank it all, he had no clue,
He will not tell, nothing be revealed,
His lips are completely sealed,

Major Mac

Major McDonald of the Liverpool brigade,
Survived the Great War as the general’s aide,
He survived two attacks of Mustard gas,
One attack of smoking grass,
Three attacks of Pepper sprays,
A package of barbecued maize,
Four of sugared tomato paste,
One of curry and cumin to taste,
When released with honors, his service done,
He was recognized as a seasoned veteran,


Derek was an amazing musician,
It was always his parents’ ambition,
He excelled in playing the piano,
His wife was a coloratura soprano,
In 1997 he was moving to a new house,
It was him, the three kids and his spouse,
When they moved the piano, it fell splat,
And Derek from A-Sharp Major, became an E- Flat,

MMM… Cheese

Aunt Antoinette is from Paris, she is French,
Brought a pound of Munster cheese, what a stench,
When we opened the package, I started to tear,
I sneezed, I itched, I scratched and bled from my ear,
The paint started to peel of the ceiling,
I lost my sense of taste; my blood was congealing,
My dog was whining in desperation,
My cats were on their knees, begging for salvation,
But all this was a piece of cake, truth be told,
When the Stilton and Roquefort,
Started oozing their mold


It was a late night, 15th of April,
In the year 1912, this story is for real,
Titanic ran into an iceberg, on the Atlantic,
It started to sink; there was a lot of panic,
The orchestra played, as the ship was sinking,
Some of the passengers, went down drinking,
Most of the passengers and crew drowned,
It was a cold night, no one around,
It is a 100 years since the ship disappeared,
But, in the 1997 movie many made a career,
After many underwater dives, discoveries were few
Shoes, candleholders, uniforms of the crew,
They all drowned, may they rest in peace at sea,
We ended up watching the new version in 3-D

West Is West But East….

Albert, is our local baker,
A real bread and bagel maker,
He bakes all week long, works two shifts,
On the weekend he relaxes, he likes to take trips,
He travels the tracks and trails of the wild,
To satisfy the never resting inner child,
Yes, Albert is always on the roads and trails,
Either on land or on seafaring boats he sails,
Many a times, Albert misses his destination,
His trip may end up in total frustration,
The reason for his mishaps is mundane,
It would have been funny, if it were not a pain,
Had he listened, his chances would have increased,
On the compass, west is west, but east is Yeast,

My New Aquarium

I am going to build an aquarium,
As big as a planetarium,
For my brand new sea creatures,
With some amazing features,
They are long and they are wide,
The swim the oceans, side to side,
Some are blue and some are killers,
As big as eighteen wheelers,
They swim in groups; they are tribal,
They are mentioned, in the bible,
One swallowed Jonah the prophet,
Another, Pinocchio the puppet,
Now, all that is left to do,
Is capture a whale or two,
To put them into my aquarium,
To be given an enema, of barium,
We may still find the prophet,
Or capture a glimpse of the puppet,


 People say I am a little slow,
I find it hard to get up and go,
Whenever there is a meeting,
I show up after all finished eating,
To be on time for my noon flight,
I left home early last night,
I must look funny I must admit,
Everyone thinks I am a half-wit,
This is not true at all; I am not mental,
I am slow just because I am a turtle.

The Ball

I threw a ball, at the wall,
I hit the wall, with my ball,
Lucky for the wall, it did not fall,
If it did fall, there would be no wall,
It would be embarrassing, to all,
Because the wall, it is not small,
It stands there, wide and tall,
If it did fall, the wall,
We would all be wailing at the wall,
All because of my little ball,
So now, it stands tall,
Our wailing wall,

So Poor

Many years ago, when I was a baby,
In a far away country, a million miles away maybe,
We were very poor indeed; even water was a treat,
Until I was ten, I did not know the taste of meat,
I wore shoes, until they needed to be re-soled,
In the winter, we could not even afford to be cold,
When my feet were too big for my shoes,
The front was cut off, and out came the toes,
My long pants I wore, till they were short pants,
We had no leftover crumbs, so we did not even have ants,
So consider yourself fortunate and lucky,
If you have food on your table and ants in your pantry,

New Printer

My father has a new printer, in his study,
This brings a whole new dimension to playing and party,
It’s a printer, a fax, a scanner and a copier too,
Basically it is a whole new toy box, in my view,
So this morning, I decided to get down to business,
It was especially good, with no one to witness,
I started to copy food, from the kitchen,
I worked all day long; I was a boy with a mission,
I copied some fruits, oranges, plums and a banana,
A couple of steaks, a chicken, shrimps from Louisiana,
I copied fish, potatoes, and a green salad that we had,
I used the leftover marinade, before it went bad,
I scanned a pumpkin, I printed a melon,
And then I faxed a lobster, to my friend Dylan,
I think I overdone it this time, the printer is busted,
To be faxing a mushroom soup, it cannot be trusted,

Hippo In My Shop

I hired the hippo, to work in my shop,
He is really a nice guy, not at all a dope,
He attracts many new clients to the store,
Because he likes to dance on the shiny floor,
Sadly, I cannot keep him anymore,
Hippos don’t go well in a china store,
After a week of working and dancing,
I will need to be getting refinancing,
All of my china, has turned to dust,
A big ass hippo in a china store, is a bust,


My personal Loch Ness monster,
Lives in our pool, we named her Esther,
Esther is such a kidder; she likes to jest,
She can scare us silly, and then take a rest,
Usually Esther eats only one meal a day,
She starts at sun up, and ends when it’s grey,
After a good, day long meal, my Esther,
Likes to relax, she hates when I pester,
The only problem I can see, with my Loch Ness Kinder,
Is where Esther will stay, in the cold winter?
We are trying to figure out some solution,
Or maybe speed up evolution,
I think this coming winter; we cannot be choosy,
Esther will spend the winter in our Jacuzzi.

Terry The Magnificent

I am Terry the magnificent,
With amazing powers, I am right 100 percent,
Some magicians make a rabbit disappear,
Few can run away, from a locked tight sphere,
Some can juggle, eight bouncing balls,
Some may even walk through thick walls,
Many can bend forks and spoons,
Some can fly to the sky with balloons,
All magicians and soothsayers can read into the future
This is a well-respected ability, and a nice feature,
I am unique; I am the only one, the first and last,
The only one that can read into the past,

Jimmy The English Boxer

Hans, my German Sheppard hound,
On a good day, weighs almost sixty pounds,
By all experts, he should be a middle heavy weight,
He is the great European hope, (or for short, the great),
Jimmy the English Boxer, in his first professional bout,
Kicked Hans so bad, he had to be carried out,
I was exasperated, sad, irked to a T,
This is what happens when you learn to fight from TV

Holiday Celebrations

Last week, we celebrated Hanukah,
It is a holiday, with lots of high drama,
In its honor, we ate latkes and stuffed donuts, a lot,
To celebrate the victory, retell the famous Maccabis plot,
Then we had Purim, another celebration,
We dressed in costums, and dance with a feeling of elation,
We ate Hamantaschen, to celebrate the Hebrew nation,
After that, we have Passover, a nice long holiday,
We eat Kneidalach, Matzo and Matzo balls, (we also pray)
That our tummy will hold up, from exploding through the day,
We also have Sukkoth, with lots of sweets and honey,
Dry fruit, fresh fruit, we get the runs, it is killing our tummy,
Shavuot is a holiday to celebrate the gift of the bible
We eat many cheese goodies, and we add an apple,
At Rosh Hashanah, we dip apples in honey,
Just in case, and to be safe, for days we stuff our tummy,
This is why the almighty invented Yom Kippur, to be on holy ground,
So we may have one holiday, that we may lose a pound,

All You Can Eat

The whole family, went to an “All You Can Eat”,
It was a Chinese eatery, with sushi and veggies and meat,
There were Mommy and Daddy, my three older brothers,
My two first cousins, and their mothers,
Grandpa and Grandma, Cousin Joey, was also approved,
Joey is my third cousin, on Mommy’s side, twice removed,
As we sat at the table, a worried look was clear,
On the face of the restaurant owner, we could see a tear,
I am used to these grim faces, wherever we go to eat,
The average weight in my family, is 400 pounds and a bit,

My Dog Thinks He Is A Duck

My dog thinks, he is a duck,
Ever since by a lightning, he was struck,
All is the same; he still walks on four,
Yet, he does not bark at the moon anymore,
Instead of barking, he just quacks,
Instead of running, he wobbles and he acts,
He stopped licking himself, he just lies in the mud,
He collects water lilies, with his beak like spud,
We thought we should take him to the vet,
But, we decided to keep him like a duck instead,
It is not because of his bowed funny legs,
It is because he lays such tasty wonderful eggs,


I think I am a hypochondriac,
Or maybe I just ran out of luck,
But when I go to the doctor,
Feeling good and full of vigor,
I end up with aches and pains,
That starts deep, inside my brains,
And spreads through my veins,
My toes start pointing east,
My heart rate has increased,
My eyes blink left and right,
I become sensitive to light,
I hiccup when I talk,
I burp when I walk,
I whistle when I breathe,
I chatter with my teeth,
Maybe I need a change of oil,
Replacement of my coil,
Grease up my bones,
Take out my kidney stones,
I think they have my number,
I better change my doctor.

The Bait

I remember when I was maybe two,
My older brothers went fishing too,
They used to take me, with them to the lake,
They never took with them, any bait,
They would ask me, in the shallows to stand,
Very firm, I stood in the sand,
Take out my toe, and pretend,
That my toe, was the bait,
With the Sunfish, it was not too bad,
But with the Pike, it did get very sad.

I Love Winter

I love winter, I don’t really know why,
Is it the crispy cold air, maybe the sunny clear sky?
Maybe it’s the snowman, we build in the yard,
Could also be, the liquored up Saint Bernard?
Going downhill, with skies to my feet,
Ice fishing on the lake frozen ice sheet,
Is it the hockey season, at the AC Centre,
When the Maple Leaf fans, are crazy with anger,
So why do I love winter a lot?
It’s all the above, and so much more I forgot.

Uncle Dickey

I remember Uncle Dickey,
He lived all is life, a bit freaky,
He loved fast cars, driving and speeding,
No matter how much, we were asking and pleading,
Until one-day, Uncle Dickey did a wheelie,
Passing between two motorcycles quiet freely,
It turned out, that the cycles coming towards him in the fog,
Was a truck, hidden by the smog,
Thus, Uncle Dickey did a wheelie one last time,
We buried him that night under a dime,

The Basement

I don’t like the basement,
It gives me the chills,
My brother told me,
Down there, is the land of Brazil,
You go down the stairs,
Past the furnace and laundry rooms,
You pass the dungeon,
Where the ogre looms,
If you are lucky, and you made it through him,
(Do make sure you never screech or scream),
You will be facing the only gate to Brazil,
The land of the Samba, Carnivals,
And meat on a grill,
You take the boat down the Amazon River,
You may see in the woods, an anaconda twirler,
You can sail down the river all the way to Peru,
If you manage to escape the Piranha,
That are after you,
Maybe I am better off staying upstairs,
All I have to deal with here is bears.

I Gave Mommy A Haircut

Mommy fell asleep, on the recliner tonight,
It must be that she got tired, because we always fight,
She wants me to eat dinner, and shower and brush,
Do my homework, clean my room, and throw out the trash,
She was so busy; she did not go to the hairdresser,
She said she had no time, because I stressed her,
Now that Mommy is asleep, I thought I would surprise her,
I’ll cut her hair and style it, just the way that she’ll prefer,
I took the big scissors, and I started clipping,
I did all that Bruno the hairdresser, does snipping,
I have no idea what I did wrong; I was just cutting away,
Mommy woke up, when I started to spray,
Mommy was not very happy; for sure she was not,
Daddy says that I gave Mommy, a gorgeous bald spot,

Toothless Smith

One day, I was having coffee with Larry,
He is a dental surgeon, but not at all scary,
He told me the story, of Toothless Smith,
That did not take very good care of his teeth,
He forgot to brush his teeth after a meal,
He thought it was not a big deal,
He never brushed, before going to bed,
It is a nuisance, he announced and said,
When he got up in the mornings,
Never brushed, despite all the warnings,
Flossing also never appealed to Toothless,
In short, his dental hygiene was a mess,
Nowadays, that Toothless is a little older,
His teeth in a state of decay and moulder,
Toothless can only eat mushy foods,
Only some liquids, and that is not good,

Laundry Savings

I developed a system, to save on laundry expense,
A system to change underwear, that makes a lot of sense,
This system, is twice as good,
If your brother is, from the same neighbourhood,
Please pay attention, to the details description,
So you don’t miss anything, in the transcription,
After the initial day, I change the front to back,
So the back is on the front, and the front is on the crack,
Second day, I turn the inside out,
Remember, you must have no doubt
Then again, repeat front to back ,
And back to crack, am I losing track?
Either way this is not the end remember,
You may now start all over, with your brother,

Madam And Adam

There once was a woman, called Madam,
She was married to a Gentleman named Adam,
Madam and Adam were, a curious bunch,
And frequent McDonald’s, on Sunday for lunch,
I never had any issues, with Adam,
I had quiet an issue, with Madam,
As you can obviously see, with your own eyes,
Madam can spring on you, with total surprise,
Madam is the same, coming in or going out,
Look at her name, see what it’s all about,

Lisa The Falkland Sheep

Lisa, the Falkland sheep,
Was tired and fell asleep,
Lisa, had long coat of wool,
That covered her in full,
It was white, with brown spots,
And a couple of darkish dots,
She really looked fine, dear Lisa,
Unlike her sister Larisa,
That was partially bald,
(But was never recalled),
And eventually was skewed,
To be barbequed,
On that particular evening,
It started heavily raining,
Lisa was stuck, out in the meadow,
With a couple of rams, and a cow,
As it stopped raining, and became dry,
(This is all true, not a lie),
Lisa started to scream, and in a blink,
Disappeared as her wool started to shrink,
From that tragic day, in the Falkland,
Scientists made changes to the wool gland,
They tweaked the sheep’s code of genetics,
And since then the wool of the Falkland sheep,
Is 100% based on synthetics,


Have you noticed, it is just too much,
When you always need to scratch,
In places, you cannot reach and touch,
It drives you insane,
You are ready to explode a vein,
In your brain,
Evolution needs to improve its design,
And better our pose and spine,
We need, to grow a brush on our hand,
Thus, we do not need, to keel over and bend,
Evolution should improve, god knows,
So we can at last, scratch our toes,

The Prince

Ever since, she read the story, about the beautiful prince,
Little Sheila is very much convinced,
She will find a prince, just like that for herself,
He can be in the woods, in the store, or on her books shelf,
He could be tall and long, or round and short,
He could be dark, blond, or even bald,
All she is done and doing, Sheila is keeping logs,
For heaven sake Sheila, will you stop kissing frogs?

Chuck The Shark

We have a new member in our excellent group,
He is not a happy trooper, with a face long and droop,
Yes, our new member is Chuck the white shark,
For many years on the pacific, he left his mark,
As of late, Chuck due to negligence and lack of maintenance,
Lost all of his molars and incisors, they were his best friends,
Now Chuck is a toothless shark, he eats mostly soup,
A proud new member, of our vegetarians group,

My Cookbook

I am writing a cookbook,
Don’t look at me, as if I was a Schnook,
It will be based, on my experience so immense,
All dishes do make, lots of good sense,
It teaches, how to grill, a seal,
How to cook, a book,
How to fry, a fly,
How to steam, ice cream,
How to bake, a snake,
How to roast, the “National Post”,
Also, how to boil, the soil,
How to stew, a kangaroo,
How to barbeque, a shoe,
And to baste, the waste,
And finally, my dessert made of dirt

Grandpa’s Watch

For his retirement, my grandfather got,
A beautiful gold watch, it was worth a lot,
It had a very heavy gold chain too,
It was a unique design, imported from Katmandu,
After I washed it, in the salty waters of the sea,
And tried it deep, in a cup of green tea,
Yes, I am very thorough and consistent,
I found out, it was not water resistant,

Zzzinging Bee

So there she was Mastula the bee,
That had six legs bent at the knee,
She was buzzing all day trying to sing,
Scaring everyone with a long scary sting,
Silly bee, you are not scaring me,
With your sting, but you do sing out of key,
So please, consider other careers
Your singing makes me break down in tears

Fruits And Nuts

I am a very careful kind of a boy,
I hear and I listen, before I deploy,
I hear and apprehend, what grown-ups say,
I am attentive to my teachers, in every way,
I read the papers, magazines, watch educational TV,
I do not let anything go and pass by me,
After I saw this medical show,
I learned this and now I know,
I will no longer munch, on fruits and nuts, this is it,
I heard on that show, that you are what you eat,


Being formulated to no imagination,
A whole generation of only one dimension,
As Einstein once said, long time ago,
Without imagination our minds do not grow,
Our education system out-dated, simply just old,
It pours old ideas into pre-designed mould,
What we learn today, was out-dated the same day,
Things must change , we can’t afford to delay
It is time to smell the flowers, enjoy the beauty,
Learning should be a pleasure, not a duty
The first time in history, the kids are fossil,
Older than their parents, next generation is just docile


I know it is silly, but I must understand,
This is driving me crazy; it is getting out of hand,
If the more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget, hello!!,
The more you forget, the less you know,
Am I missing something, am I a little slow?
This system is wrong; this system is rotten,
I hope you agree, or have you already forgotten?


Grandpa once told me an interesting story,
A nice true story, nothing gory,
It’s a story about Jerry the genius, the great scientist,
Naturally, Jerry told it, prior to becoming deceased,
He said:”I speak fifteen languages, fluently, no contest”
“But English is the language I speak bestest”

Lenny Bruce

Lenny Bruce came from a very tough neighborhood,
This is why he was often misunderstood,
Where he grew up and went to school,
You had to be very tough and amazingly cool,
He once said, his school had its own appointed coroner,
If you knew English, you were a foreigner,
Yes, Lenny Bruce was not your regular sap,
He once wrote an essay:” what I want to, be if I grow up”

Chicken Hockey

Two chickens, were playing, street hockey,
On one end was chicken cacciatore, on the other teriyaki,
At the end of the first period, cacciatore scored a goal,
Within another minute, and one more into the net rolls,
On the third try, the teriyaki stopped a puck, with its dry breast,
And in a fast counter attack, it winged the puck into the net,
On the second period, the cacciatore exploded, like a powder-filled keg,
But teriyaki retaliated, with a goal illegally scored, by the leg,
So now, the score was two to two, a game a bit boring and dry,
But what can one do?…thus the game ended a thigh,